So there I was facing down the evil mastermind Bob the Builder. Now I know that does not sound like and evil mastermind, it sounds more like a kids show. Now this Bob was one heck of a guy. He was dressed in a construction outfit and using his wrecking ball to destroy buildings. When out of nowhere I heard...
"DAD!!! It's a snow day!"
And felt a giant pressure on my stomach as I woke up scared.
I woke up to find that my son had just jumped on me. Apparently I had dreamed about my last fight with Bob the Builder. Which when I think about it he was not a bad guy at all. In fact it was the TV show my kid and I watched before going to bed. My subconscious some how made him into the bad guy.
As I woke up I saw my sun darting all over the room, first near the window then the wall, and all over the room. He was gone for a second and it seemed like there was 20 kids in my room. If you didn't know my son has super speed.
"Calm down and sit in one spot! What is going on?" I then demanded with my booming voice
"Dad, Dad, Dad!!! It's a snow day! Can you believe it?" he said trying to contain himself.
"That's not possible. It is only August. It can't possibly be a snow day." I fumbled.
"School is canceled!"
I look over to his mom who at this point had already gone to work. So I turn on the TV to find out that it was indeed a snow day and school was in fact canceled. Why was this happening in August, I had to investigate this, but I had the kid to deal with. So I picked up my phone and dialed the babysitter.
So I called the Babysitter.
"Hi Jenny! It's John Jacobs. Ugh, apparently it is a snow day in August and I was wondering if you could watch little Bert here?"
"Sorry, sir. I am kinda snowed in here and I can't even get out and I don't think you will be able to get him here. We are kinda under like 10 inches of snow. There is no possible way to get in or out." She said.
"Ugh, I understand. Do you happen to know what caused this freak weather?"
"Na, the news said it was a cold front coming in from, like, Arkansas, or something."
"Arkansas? That makes no sense. Arkansas is not cold." I pondered.
"Well that is what it says."
"OK, thank you Jenny" I said as I hung up the phone.
None of this made any sense, so I got up and started the day. Got a shower, got dressed, fed the kid, and had him get dressed while I was doing my morning ritual. Made some snacks and had him watch some TV. Soon I decided it was time to see what was going on. I turned on the news as I got my super-suit ready in case I was needed. I found out it was my Nemesis, well not really my Nemesis but a Guy I have arrested a couple times but I have no idea where he got this powerful. His name was Icicle.
He was not the brightest cube in the ice tray but he did have his perks. By perks I mean he was easy to defeat with his normal liquid nitrogen pack who froze things occasionally. How did he get this powerful to create a snow storm? Who upgraded his tech?
"Dad, Dad, DAAAAD!"
"I want more Cereallllll!"
So I went over and refilled his bowl as he ran through the whole house.
"Stop it! I need to see what's going on in..."
"Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAAAAAD!!!"
"Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? Can I gooo? I want to build a snowman. I want to build snowman. Can I go help you fight him? He's gonna be..."
"Enough! NO! No, no, no, no, no! We will try and find you a babysitter. We will head out and do this. And I will defeat him on my own. I do not need you around!"
"But Dad, Dad, Dad, Daaad! I'm too fast, I will hit him with a bunch of snowballs! I am really fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast! "
I looked around as he should up there, there, and there. He was all over the place. This kid has too much energy, especially on a snow day in August. Have you ever realized on a normal school day you have to drag kids out of bed? But on a day with out school they are up right way and have more energy then they know what to do with.
"Fine lets get on our warm super suits and some cloths over them. I don't even know why your mom got you a super suit. Your not even ready for the fight.
"Dad! I am ready for superheroing. I can punch him in the face. PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!"
"Son this is a bad guy. He uses cold and from what I know that seems to be a speedsters weakness. The cold slows you down. You need to be prepared. And you need to go to a baby sitter. You can't come with me, because it is dangerous."
"But Dad, Dad, Dad. I could do it. I can do it. I can do it."
"No, We are going to find a babysitter. I just need to make a few more calls. "
So I call around and they are all snowed in. Not a single person can watch Bert here. Bert is excited about this because he wants to fight the bad guy. Normally Icicle is a D list Villain and I would have no issue taking him along, but today he pulled off some A list stuff.
"Dad, Dad, Daaaaddddd! Let's get going!"
He already had the keys and was already dressed, and by the door. He then ran out the door and I ran after to catch him, but of course I can't. That is not my super power is super strength and invulnerability. We adopted him a long time ago when the super hero known as Zoom Zoom Zoom died, yes that is a weird name but he left me Bert. Zoom Zoom Zoom was my best friend, and since the day he was born Bert has been mine. I got dressed and we headed out. When I go to open the car door it was frozen with ice. I yank it a little bit but with my strength I pulled the whole door off.
Fuck! What have I done? Ugh, Sometimes you need to know your own strength and when it comes to something you need a little extra to do I can't remember how much a little extra is. Cause my little extra tends to yank the door off and throw it 20 feet. I turned on the doorless car and got the heater on and wrapped the kid in blankets. I wrapped him so tight to hopefully immobilize him.
"Dad, Dad ,Daaaddd! I can't move! I can't move! I can't mooove!"
"Shhh! You need to stay warm. There is going to be a draft in this door I ripped off."
"Dad, Dad, Daaaddd! Why did you do that? Why did you rip off the door?"
"Cause it was frozen solid and I need to open it."
"But you didn't have to rip it off you could have just opened it."
So we headed out with the kid nice bundle, warm, and unable to move. We headed downtown with the car sliding on occasion. Luckily I was able to use my foot and strength to guide the car. As we got closer I slid down a huge hill heading into a busy intersection. I was unable to stop the car and there was no time. So I un-bundled the kid.
"Buddy I need your help! I have punched my feet through the bottom of the car and we are not gaining any traction cause of the ice. I need you to get in the trunk and spread the kitty litter down the hill and in the intersection. Be very careful."
Being a super hero I have to be a role model so I keep what every drivers ed class teaches. I keep flares, cones, first aid, kitty litter, and more. The kid shows me that he is born for this and gets the traction put down and moves the cars to stop wrecks. I got the car stopped and we are only a couple blocks away from Icicle.
"Stay in the car and if it gets to be to dangerous I need you to run the 10 blocks that way to your Mom's work! Good job on the cars!" I said pointing south.
I then head off to face Icicle. As I headed that way apperently Bert followed me as he wanted to see his super hero dad in action.
"Icicle how did you get this un-godly power? And in August of all times"
*evil laugh*"Mr. Indestructible, what brings you here to my lovely snow storm?" Icicle mocked.
"I have come here to stop you and fix the weather! Where did you gain this power? I ask you again."
"Oh that was easy. I prayed to the god Khione, the Greek god of snow. I can tell by the look on your face you don't know who that is but I bet you know Zeus. Well Khione being minor... I mean major goddess... almost got myself in trouble there. If you see here remember I said Major. Anyways major goddess of snow. Being overlooked and underappreciated for so long has made her bitter and tired so she gave me the power I needed to bring winter to everyone. I will now bring winter to you!"
At that moment he pointed his Icicle wand blast me into snow. Out of the corner of my eye I see a blur and Icicle misses and the car next to me freezes. I used a super jump to land using a double fist to try and break Icicle but he summoned an ice shield which i shatter and Icicle shoots 30 feet away. As he goes to hit the ground he winds up in a snowball undamaged.
Bert focusing on the battle and his dad does not realize he has just been seen by Icicle who shot past him. I see Icicle notice him and yell to Bert calling him by his Superhero name.
"Blur get back to the car and get out of here" I scream.
But I was to late and Icicle shoots his wands at Bert. I see this and jump into intersect the beam as Bert screams my name. At this time slowed for Bert and he was able to see the beam and me coming towards him. It was at this moment Bert had to choose to be a hero or run.
As the Bert looks at his dad time begins to slow down. He has never experienced this before except when he runs. But this was different, this was new. He realizes what is going on and sees the slow motion beam coming as well as his dad coming. He runs faster then he has before he jumps off the frozen car and knocks his dad out of the air and trajectory. Both dodging the beam of the wand.
"No frozen kid-sicile! Ahhh!" Icicle screams.
*Boom Boom Boom*
"There you are! I can now take out you an your kid. 2 little birds with one snowball!"
Dad reflexes kick in and faster then the fastest speedster, Mr. Indestructible grabs Bert and throws him behind him. The blast hits the dad and turns him into a ice statue.
The kid looking up for the first time since landing sees his dad as the evil cackling begins.
*evil Laugh* "Mr. Indestructible, more like Indest-popsicile. It was Ice to beat you!"
While Icicle makes his puns and monologuing the anger build in Bert. He then starts launching snowball after snowball after snowball. With his anger and fury he becomes a snowball machine gun. He repetitively hits Icicle over and over again.
"What? Ah, it, ugh, it, ow, ahhhhhh, is happening?"
As Icicle gets bombarded with snowballs. Before a normal person can blink he is buried up to his legs with compacted snow. Over and over again the kid pummels him with the snow. The wand falls from the villain's hands shattering on the cement but Bert does not let up, until Icicle is covered. He then runs and packs in the snow. He stops by the farmers market and turns Icicle into a snow man.
Bert then returns to his dad not knowing what to do. He begins to realize that he is generating heat with his suit and running. Where he has ran it has melted. He begins running round his dad heating up the ice. His dad then breaks free and takes a deep breath.
"What happened?" Mr. Indestructible ask.
So the little guy tells him "I turned him into a snowman dad! We got him!"
Mr. Indestructible then lifted the snowman and launched him into the prison yard. Then the hug and head out for ice cream!
Epic Log Podcast
This is the Epic Log of my imagination.